Stop Fear From Sabotaging Your Coaching Business

Have you ever felt paralyzed by the fear that you're not doing enough, that your success might vanish, or that people might think you’re an imposter? You're not alone. In this episode, Stephen sits down with special guest Mark Collins, a coach with 15 years of experience guiding Christian men to embrace their true identity and purpose. Mark shares his own battle with fear and practical steps you can take to overcome it so you can focus on what really matters and fulfill your greater purpose.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER

• The real root of fear and why simply managing it isn’t enough 
• How to separate your identity from your achievements, so your self-worth isn’t tied to your successes or failures
• Practical strategies to build emotional resilience and live confidently, regardless of external circumstances

Featured Guest:
Mark Collins is a husband, father, pastor & coach with a passion to see Christian Men equipped to be the HERO God created them to be.

He has authored his first book, “Life Mastery: Living life by design, not by default," developed and launched his Life Mastery online course and has had the privilege of speaking at conferences throughout the Western US.

In over 15 years of working with men as a Christian coach and Pastor, Mark has seen hundreds of lives changed and callings unleashed.

Connect with Mark: Website | Instagram | Facebook | YouTube 

Transcript

Stephen Box: 0:00

If you've ever laid in bed at night with a paralyzing fear that you're not doing enough that you need to do more or else your business is going to fail and everyone's going to think that you were an imposter or that you just got lucky and you're going to lose your entire identity as a business owner, as a coach, and as a provider of your family. You're not alone. My special guest today, Mark Collins, lived out this exact scenario. And on today's episode, he's going to share with us his story and some practical advice for you to help you overcome this fear and start living out your greater purpose. And that's coming up next right here on Own Your Calendar. Welcome to Own Your Calendar, the go to resource for online business owners, coaches, and course creators. Who want it all. A profitable business and the time and energy for yourself and the people and things you love most. I'm your host, Stephen Box. And I'm here to help you build the systems and habits that allow you to escape the chaos and start living life on your terms. Welcome to another episode of Own Your Calendar brought to you by Unshakable Habits. I am your host, Stephen Box. And today I'm joined by Mark Collins, a husband, father, pastor, and coach with 15 years of experience helping Christian men become equipped to be the hero God created them to be. I want to give you guys a little bit of full transparency, kind of behind the scenes peek here for a quick second. This was an episode that I recorded previously when the podcast was really focused on men and before we switched over to really helping. Online business owners and coaches, but I very strongly felt after going back and listening to this interview again that. Even though we spent a lot of time talking to men and talking about some of the Christian principles behind what Mark has to say, I felt like this episode was relevant for any business owner, for any coach out there. Regardless if you are man, woman, Christian, non Christian, I believe that the things we talk about in today's episode are going to help you, especially if you're someone who can relate to any of those fears that we talked about in the intro. But enough talking for me. I did an interview about it. Want to hear? Here it goes. Mark, welcome to All in Your Calendar, man. Thanks for being here today.

Mark Collins: 2:36

Thanks so much. That's my honor to be here with you.

Stephen Box: 2:39

Mark, in the intro, I did talk about that person who lies in bed at night with that paralyzing fear that everything could go away, that they could lose everything that they had worked for, including their identity. And there's a fear that if that happens, That people are going to think that they're an imposter, that they're a fraud, or that they got lucky, they didn't really deserve the success that they, and I know this is something you can personally relate to, so I'm just going to pass the mic to you, Mark, in the intro, I did talk about that person who lies in bed at night with that paralyzing fear that everything could go away, that they could lose everything that they had worked for, including their identity. And there's a fear that if that happens, that people are going to think that they're an imposter, that they're a fraud, or that they got lucky they didn't really deserve the success that they, and I know this is something you can personally relate to, so I'm just going to pass the mic to you.

Mark Collins: 3:43

As you already know, from some of the background and conversations we've had, that was literally me being lived out in trying to, whether it wasn't my job, right. And there's layoffs and there's stress that's happening, or there's conversations being had at this level above you. And you have this voice in your head saying, am I the guy, right? Am I the one that's going to be let go? Am I doing enough? I'm, you know, those conversations and questions that we have, maybe we don't even share them with our wife. And it even happened to be totally honest when my wife and I started a business, we decided that instead of. Being able to have a smaller business. We took the leap. We took the opportunity to invest in a facility and do all of those things. And it was interesting because I expected that any kind of level of accomplishment and success would make those voices go away. So I'd finally feel like I was that man that had done it, right? I was that guy that had now I'm finally there, right? I'm not, I'm not Elon Musk. I'm not the multibillionaire, but Hey, I've made it. I've I've I'm a success in my life. Come to find out. There were moments that I was. Waking up two, three o'clock in the morning, right? Wondering if we're going to be able to make payroll. And it wasn't a financial issue. That was the issue. It was this feeling of shame and failure that, you know, what's those things, what are those things going to say about me? What does that, what's the identity that I'm adding to, right? It's, and so it wouldn't have necessarily been the worst case, right? There's always ways around issues and challenges, right? In your marriage, when you're not hitting along with your spouse, there's always the ability to recover and to have those things, but in my mind, and maybe some of the guys out there. The first thing we go to is the disaster that's about to happen, because in many cases we equate our success and our relational harmony and all of those things to whether we are valued or worth it or not. And so when those things don't work out, when I do lose that job, which I've been there, Having a job for several years and losing it and trying to find one and not being able to get one and then having those conversations with my wife and feeling like a failure in my own house, because I can't find a job, right? I can't provide for my family the way that I want to. To those places that you start to realize, at least in my own journey, I realized that the things that I was or was trying to do were really those things that we're trying to make up for that insecurity, that fear of failure, the challenges and struggles that I was working through in my life that I needed that thing to be successful because it would prove to me and to people around me that I was actually somebody that was worth it.

Stephen Box: 6:11

I'm curious, because of the way that you phrase it, I'm going to ask this a, a specific way. Do you feel like, because I, I think there's a societal norm, right? Right. Let's, let's discuss this first. There's a societal norm that men are to be providers and protectors. And somewhere along the line, I guess when we had to stop fighting battles and, you know, fighting off lions and things like that. Do you feel like there was a point where you, Thought you were doing it for other people, right? It's the idea of you're fulfilling that societal norm. Deep down, it really wasn't even about providing and protecting for other people. It was about yourself. It was about filling that emptiness. And that was the only way you knew how to do it.

Mark Collins: 6:57

That's a great question. And it is interesting for sure. And I don't think it's a, I don't think it's inappropriate as men to want to provide for our families. I think that's not just honorable, but it's something that brings integrity to the relationship. So I wouldn't say that those are incorrect expectations or things that we shouldn't strive for, but here's the challenge in it, is that when it becomes your identity, so there's a separation of what I do from who I am, and you could unpack it all day, but it's your experiences, it's your past, it's the models that you were given, it's those social norms that you're looking at, it's all the things outside of you telling you who you need to be, and then there's those voices, right? Like in my own life. My wife and I had a business, but it was the third or fourth business that succeeded. The three previous to that were, you know, not major financial disasters. It wasn't a total catastrophe, but it certainly wasn't a success at any level, right? It was those start again moments in our life. Well, each one of those experiences, if I don't know who I am, then my life tells me. And so that's really where the battle comes in. The thing that I try and I bring out differentiation to men is this. It's understanding, hey, Who you are is lived out in the things you do. The things you do aren't your identity and who you're created to be. If we can separate those, now all of a sudden I can weather the storms and the issues and the bankruptcies and the financial and relational challenges that, you know, may come up in your life without having them shake me and without having me having to deal with the anxiety and fear that comes along with it.

Stephen Box: 8:27

Yeah, one thing I want to hit on here real quick. You brought up the idea of those expectations of being a financial provider are perfectly acceptable and I agree with you. Uh, where, where I was gonna head in and I would love to hear your thoughts on this is I think part of the problem for us and the reason why we've allowed our identity to become so wrapped up in it. is, as men, the financial providing is the only thing that we've really been taught, and we haven't been taught how to be present in relationships. We haven't been taught that being a protector is not just about being able to physically protect, it's about your spouse, your children, being able to trust you with their feelings, with their emotions. And also protection, right? And that's where I was leaning toward when I was talking about that. So I'm just curious to hear your thoughts on that as well.

Mark Collins: 9:18

I think that's a great point. And actually, I wrote something in a vlog recently about that as well in that there's this, there's a standard in that in certain circles, that is that outward stuff, right? So I'm out there, like you talked about, I'm slaying the lions, I'm winning the battles and all those things that are great. In today's circumstance, it's, you know, I'm winning at the job, I'm that great athlete, I have that accomplishment, that title, that power and all those things. And I equate it to, and no, no harm or foul on anybody out there, but I equate it to a cartoon. I saw once of a bodybuilder, and it was a bodybuilder who had a huge upper body, right? These could tell they were doing those things, but they, and yet again, it was a cartoon, not a real person. They had the toothpick legs and, and sometimes it's, it's kind of that perspective on manhood that, again, providing and doing your best and having outstanding achievement, really maximizing who you are. I'm in for all of that. But the challenge is a lot of times we are so heavily weighted towards that. And even in our perspective, that's your art emotionally available for your wife, your kids. So there's a, there's an emotional and relational stability that men get to bring to a household simply because they're men as a husband and a father. And sometimes that's the tougher part, right? That's the part where that adds. A layer of vulnerability that may have to happen. I, I need to have some honesty in, in, in who I am and the things I'm going through in order to let my wife in on my life and those I can understand why they're challenging. And that's why I tell people that are in my course life mastery or read the book. The bravest men I know are the men that are willing to do those things that we talked about, the outward signs of manhood that we were talking about, but are also able to be vulnerable and present and there for their families in the way they need it also.

Stephen Box: 11:03

So real quick, before we really dive deeper into this conversation, you really focus specifically on helping Christian men and really is overcoming that this fear of failure or just fear that everything's just going to fall apart on them, right? Yeah. What, first of all, why did you decide on that specific group and that, that specific thing? And then also just maybe tell us a little bit about you of why you're qualified. Why should people want to listen to you talk about that today?

Mark Collins: 11:35

Sure. And why Christian Man? It really comes down to, so the principles will work for anybody, right? Truth works no matter who you are, man, woman, young, old, what have you. But there's a community that I've had the ability to have traction with and it's a community. It's a community. It's an affinity. thing. I'm a Christian and I'm a man. And frankly, the course that I created and the road path, the, the blueprint that I use to help men is, comes from biblical perspectives, comes from scripture, using it as instruction. And so, as for all of us, if your audience is everybody, your audience is nobody. And so while there's other groups and individuals that it may work with, I decided that this is a group that It's a journey I've been on. It's a life that I've lived. And so there is an ability, right? You can't show somebody to get someplace that you've never been. So that's the group that I really resonated with, even though women and business entrepreneurs and people I've had the opportunity to work with as well, have gotten great impact, but you got to start somewhere. And with me, I'll start with that. That guy that looks like me. And that kind of comes into the story. It's myself. And, you know, I, we don't have all the time to unpack it, but let's just say that I grew up in a childhood with a father that was an image that I could never feel like I measured up to. He was that guy, right? That alpha male and all of that. And I love alpha to death, but he was also that guy that we talked about, who there was no emotional relational vulnerability, right? No harm, no foul. We've had great relationship until he passed in 2019. But until I was 21, I never heard my father tell me that he loved me. The first time I heard that he was proud of me was when I walked into his office. He had somebody who was working for him there. He wasn't there. And the lady said to me, who are you? I said, I'm John's son. My father's name's John. And he said, or she said, he's so proud of you. I was 23 years old. I'd never heard it from him, but I just heard it from somebody else about me. So in that relationship, growing up, really trying to measure up to the man that you feel like you're supposed to be. But not the one that you're created to be. And I walked through those things, whether it's we've done the litany, right? Whether it's trying to do accomplishment or accolades or power position, trying to have all of these things to prove, Hey, I am somebody, but finding that the success I had in my life, even as a Christian, I would wake up literally three o'clock in the morning in a cold sweat, because I knew that other shoe was going to drop and the business we were working on or at the time, the job that I had that I was one step away and you play out those scenarios, right? If I lose my job or if the business fails, then we can't make our house payment. And then that means bankruptcy and we're going to be on the street. And how am I going to write those scenarios that play out? But if you pull them back, really, they come down to a singular understanding. I'm not good enough and I'm about to fail. And so in that place, walking it out, I tried to grab personal development, those things that are out there and they all have value and worth. The problem is that. They really were telling me to be somebody I wasn't, to be them, right? If I do your habits, I'll have your outcome, whatever that outcome is. The problem is, I knew I wasn't them. And so in that place, trying to figure it out and walking into my Christian faith, using the Bible, but even there I was using Scripture as magic words, right? I could tell you Scriptures that I memorized. I didn't memorize them because I wanted to understand the instruction, but because I wanted the outcome.

Stephen Box: 14:54

Yeah,

Mark Collins: 14:54

there's a scripture that says, do not be conformed to this world. And it goes on to say that the plans and purposes of God, it was that I wanted. I didn't realize the front part that took it, the transformation, changing my thoughts, changing my actions. Right. I wanted the outcome, but I wanted a magic formula. I didn't realize there was instruction, but there was an epiphany I had. When I started to see instructions in scripture that I could live out, and it started to become that roadmap from struggling with those issues, right? It really is an identity issue. It's not a fear issue. Fear is a symptom of a greater cause. And the greater cause is, I don't believe I'm worth it. And this circumstance is about to prove it. And so walking out the roadmap of the instructions in scripture and about being able to change my thoughts, Proverbs 23, it says, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. It's a vision of a rich man who is acting one way, but inside he's really another. It's a warning to the reader, but it's also an instruction from God. Who I am right now is the sum total of my thoughts, words, and actions. And And so if I want to be transformed, that guy on the inside that I believe I am lived out, it'll start with my thoughts. As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. And so I started to see those instructions, started to apply them in my own life and started to see the transformation. I was successful before at the levels that I was striving for. But the problem is you have the problem going in and coming out, going in. There's always that hesitation of what if this fails, right? I, one of my success stories of one of my students. A guy named Brett was that, who was at a high level in both areas. He was a pastor and he was a business owner, but success never was satisfying because it was always him trying to prove that he was enough. And then at the end, he always had that thought, you're lucky this time, but what about the next time? In those relationships, right? Even in my own marriage, when you don't feel like you're enough, everybody around you has to make up the difference. And so for myself and my marriage, that feeling of insecurity and maybe, right, the father who didn't really love me or didn't really express it and have those kind of engagements that you desire as a child, now all of a sudden it's my adult relationships and they need to treat me right, not because it's the healthy relationship, but because it's what I need to make up the difference of what I'm feeling on the inside. When I started walking those things out and all of a sudden I was not just confident, but really being able to live out who I'm created to be my goal at the end of the day, and all that I'm doing with the men that I'm working with is simply this unleashing you. in everything that you are. Not just those successes of your life, but really being able to live out everything because whatever level you're at, whatever you're struggling with is your issue. It's holding you back from something, either from peace, from satisfaction, or from really engaging in the life that God's called for. You can have a, I tell the guys, you can have a good life, or you can have a God life. And the difference between the two is me living from who I'm created to be, not having my circumstances try and prove who I am.

Stephen Box: 17:48

Yeah, a couple things I want to pull out of that. You actually gave me a list of some common mistakes that guys are making around this topic, and you hit on a few of them in there. So number one is that fear is something to be managed. And for you that you talked about how that management was, Oh, I'm going to study productivity boosts. I'm going to study time, I'm going to study self improvement. I'm going to study all these things and they help, right? They're not really bad, right? They help, but they don't completely solve the problem. Yeah. All you're really trying to do is you're trying to manage that fear, right? Yeah, the second thing you talked about was needing to, we feel this need to recite positive scripture, right? That's going to solve the problem. A lot of people, one of my personal favorites, I even have it on a t shirt, is Philippians 4. 13, right? Through Christ, whose strength is me, I can do all things. But no one ever talks about the context around the verse, right? It's just like that individual verse. And it's, like you said, it's not, we're not trying to learn the lesson from it. We're just trying to get the blessing from it, right? Yeah. I think that's something I can personally relate to. A third one that you talked about, and I didn't really necessarily hear this, I'd like to hear a quick example here of this one, is if we believe that if we act like fear isn't there, it will just go away.

Mark Collins: 19:15

We have t shirts, right? No fear. Or bumper stickers and all of that. Here's the interesting thing, and I tell the guys this all the time, and I apologize if it's something that's going to fry up some people's braids, but. I tell him this, in the whole of your experience, your emotion is the only honest thing. And so in my course and in my book, Life Mastery by Design, Not by Default, which by the way goes back to what you were saying in the beginning, right? Living your life in response to the life that's happening rather than being the response, which is what I believe God calls us to be. But the emotion, right? So there's four levels of life and four areas of life. It's your identity, your experiences, the meanings and emotions. If you're not living from your identity, you're going to be living from your experiences, and your experiences are going to tell you who you are. And so the right way that God has it, as he's shown in the Word of God, and again, that's just, I can't unpack everything, but it is that you start from your identity. But in place of that, right, when I don't know who I am, then my experiences, who you say I am, my, my accomplishment or lack of accomplishment in work, am I doing good in school? That tells me who I am. Personal experience. Part of my journey was being struggling in school and feeling like I wasn't as smart as the other students around me. And really living that out in ways where you were holding back in places where you could have accelerated right for that job or that interview or that accomplishment or you don't try new things because each one of them is just going to prove that you're right. You're not as smart as the rest of them, which is an absolute lie. So in this place, your emotions are actually the only thing, because here's the truth. Let's take my example of me waking up at three o'clock in the morning. If our business had failed, if the building had burned down or all of the clients had left and there was zero money. And our home was attached to that loan and all of the other things that happened and all of those things happened so that we were actually out on the street and all of those things. If those things were actual circumstances, the proper emotional response would have been fear, right? Would have been concern, would have been anxiousness because I don't have answers to the life I'm walking into and it's potentially going to be a disaster. So at the end of the day, the emotion is the only honest thing. But the difference is how am I addressing my experiences? What am I, what's my expectation in them? And what am I expecting myself to be? If I have that same circumstance waking up at three in the morning, oh my gosh, we don't have enough revenue to create payroll. If I, in that circumstance, understood who I was, that I'm a man who is the answer to every circumstance I'm walking into, I always find solutions for every challenge that we walk into, and I have all of the resources available. I just need to be able to point to the right ones to be able to get it done. If my thought process is that, is fear the response that I'm going to have, now it's going to have a confidence in maybe this little checklist of, okay, when I wake up this morning, I'm going to do this and this, talk to these people, do these resources. Right? The emotion is the only honest thing. The problem is the meaning that I'm creating in my life. And the challenge is every meaning that we create is really an identity statement. It's not about the world around me. It's about me and the world around me. And am I the response to the life that's happening? Or am I having to figure out how to respond to the life that's happening to me?

Stephen Box: 22:33

I love it, man. If people want to dive deeper into this, because obviously we're, we're just Really even barely scratching the surface on this conversation. Right. If people wanted to learn more, what's the best way for them to get in contact with you?

Mark Collins: 22:48

Yeah, absolutely. I try and be a one stop shop in that and give you one place to go. And the one place for me, it'll be my website. Um, it's where I have all the free courses, including a discovery tool. By the way, these challenges I'm talking about, there's a free, um, discovery 40 questions. It's really figuring out my courses, Life Mastery, so is my book. It's really figuring out, Hey, where am I at on that journey? And what's the next step I can take in it? All of those things are on my website at freedom 4 life. net. Apologize, it's not rolling off my tongue, but it's freedom 4 life. net.

Stephen Box: 23:20

Okay, and I'll also include that in the show notes just so it'll be easy for people to find it. One thing I will just throw out here real quick, you talked about the importance of taking that assessment. And what I want to highlight for people is, If you were to get into your car and turn on your GPS, you can put in any address that you want and it will take you there. But if you can't get a signal to the satellite and it doesn't know where you're starting, you're not going to go anywhere. Doesn't matter if you know the address where you're going to go. So, those assessments are really powerful for helping you figure out where you are, because until you know where you are, you don't know where you're going.

Mark Collins: 23:55

Yeah, very true. That's a good point.

Stephen Box: 23:58

So, so Mark, thanks so much for, for being here today. Really appreciate you taking the time out to share with us and give us some information here and, uh, hopefully people will reach out to you and learn more. Absolutely. I appreciate the time. Thanks so much. Thanks for joining me for another episode of Own Your Calendar and again, a special thanks to my guest, Mark Collins. If you guys want to take that assessment that Mark mentioned, there will be a link to that in the show notes. Additionally, I want to advise you if you're ready to take the next step in your journey and find your next productivity breakthrough to book a free habit breakthrough call with me using the link down below and finally if you have a Question that you would like for me to answer. There is a text link also down in the show notes where you can send in your questions. And that's actually what our next episode is going to be, is a user question that I received, which is, should you fill every minute of your calendar or should you Some blank spot. So I'll be answering that question on our next episode. And if you have your own question, again, you can always use that text link and send that to me through there. But until then, this is Stephen Fox reminding you, as always, today is a great day to break free from the chaos and start living life on your terms.